So I've been on vacation for about a month now, and my major complaint has been that there is no internet access in my room. There are computers at work for checking email, and there are also computers at the USO that's about a 15 minute walk away. Unfortunately neither setting allows me to Skype with Sophia and the boys. Some fellow vacationers and I decided to pool our resources and order a satellite dish that we could install at our living spaces to run internet to our rooms. Fortunately one of the people in our group just happens to have a master's degree in some kind of space/computer technology (the name of the degree was complicated enough that I was confused before he even started explaining what it meant). He assured the group that once we secured the satellite with all of the associated hardware he could install the satellite and get it working properly. So, with that assurance we collected a considerable sum of money (a lot more than I paid for my first vehicle) and ordered the satellite form a company in Turkey who then apparently sent our order to a company in Dubai that shipped out the order.
Last week the dish finally arrived, but we were disappointed to find that the four-feet dish did not come with any kind of mounting stand or wall mounting bracket. Furthermore, there were three metal bars to be used to support the LMB (the electronic component that points back at the dish to collect the signal), but instead of sending two side bars and a bottom bar (what we needed) we received two bottoms and a side bar. To frustrate our efforts even further, while taking inventory of our available tools I found that we only had a razor knife and two leathermans—not very helpful for fashioning and setting up a satellite stand on which to install a complex electronic device. One of the people in our group claimed to have some tools but upon closer inspection I found that what he called tools amounted to a soldering iron and some spare circuit board components—nerd tools maybe, but not real tools.
As luck would have it, Erin (the rocket scientist), Brandon (my roommate), and I were not on the flight schedule the next day, so we got up early, borrowed the boss's car, and set off to procure some tools and materials. We visited the DURMO yard (the military junk yard where worn out stuff goes to be disposed of), but found nothing of use. We found a steel pipe on the side of the road about the right diameter to attach the dish, but it was eight feet long and weighed at least a hundred pounds. We left it but made note of it just in case we couldn't find anything better. After a few hours I was starting to loose hope. Then as we drove past an outlying settlement of RLBs (ReLocatable Buildings: everybody calls them cans, for reasons that become apparent when you see them. They are what the DOD considers adequate living spaces. They're not bad of your not claustrophobic or afraid of the dark.) RLBs are basically collapsible shipping containers stacked two high and bolted together. Each has a door and a window that has a metal cover over the glass that can't be removed. There are rows of these RLBs almost as far as you can see at this particular resort community.
Driving past one of these rows of RLBs we spotted five or six satellite dishes sitting atop a concrete bunker in front of the RLBs. Nestled among them was a dish stand that had no satellite on it. Erin and I climbed on the bunker for a closer look. Except for the fact that the stand was a little taller than we needed it was perfect, built of welded steel, sturdy, and most importantly available. We pushed it off the bunker to carry it back to our cans. Next to our stand was a dish that was missing the LMB and obviously not in use by anyone. We borrowed a few bolts that we thought we might need and took one of its LMB supports in the hopes of being able to tweak it for use on our satellite. As we were walking to the end of the bunker to climb down Erin noticed a satellite sitting there that was not hooked to anything. It had all of the pieces but was not hooked to any wires. Erin assumed that since it wasn't hooked up and had obviously been sitting up there for quite some time that it must have been abandoned. It was easy to see how he would have made that assumption because as we drove around looking for materials earlier in the day we had noticed satellite dishes all over the base hanging off bunkers, barracks, and even bathrooms. Some appeared to be in use, but many were obviously abandoned by vacationers who had gotten their use out of them but were not interested in going to all of the trouble of removing them when they left. We started removing the sand bags that held the stand in place in the hopes that we could take it back to the squadron and set it up for some of the Marines who weren't able to get a satellite of their own. As we were preparing to lower the satellite off the bunker an army specialist walked out from one of the nearby cans and said, “Sir, that dish belongs to my Staff Sergeant”.
Erin: “Oh, I'd like to talk to him about it because it's not hooked up to anything, and if he's not using it we can put it to use”.
Army Guy: “I don't know what he's doing with it, but he lives right over there”.
The soldier walked us over to the Staff Sergeant's room, but he wasn't there so we left his satellite. We picked up our new satellite stand and the parts we scavenged from another dish and headed back to our cans.
We had the materials, but we still needed more tools than just a razor knife and two leathermans. We decided to go into the squadron and see what we could drum up. While there we were able to convince some very talented airframe mechanics to tweak the side bar we had found to fit our satellite—it fit perfectly. I stopped by the tool room to see if I could get a hammer and a socket wrench with a ½ inch socket. I asked if they had any hammers, and the clerk showed me a drawer with a ball peen hammer and a framing hammer—exactly what I needed. The ball peen hammer made sense, but I found it odd that a C-130 squadron tool room would have a framing hammer in its inventory. I think the tool room clerk found it equally odd that one of the pilots wanted to sign it out. Nevertheless with tools and parts in hand we were ready to go back to the cans and set up our satellite. I decided to check my email before we left the squadron, and I was surprised to find that the first email in my in box was from our squadron Master Sergeant explaining that he had received a report that two unidentified Marines were attempting to “steal satellite dishes from on top a bunker by the RLBs”, and that when confronted the would-be thieves “ran away”. Wow, word travels fast! We hadn't left the cans an hour ago. I decided that it was unlikely that he was referring to two other Marines. I showed the email to Erin and Brandon.
Frankly, I was offended. First off, if we had set out to steal a satellite dish we would have gotten a satellite dish. Secondly, Captains don't run from Specialists; it generally goes the other way around.
I wish I had captured the look on the Master Sergeant's face when he learned that the unidentified Marines were not a couple of unruly Lance Corporals as he had suspected but were in fact three Captains all of whom are department heads within the squadron. I don't think our OIC (Officer-In-Charge) was as amused with the whole story as we were. He just plugged his ears and walked away muttering something about, “captains these days” under his breath. Brandon and I were willing to laugh the whole miss-communication off, but Erin wanted to go back and steal the Staff Sergeant's satellite purely on principle. We decided to leave it alone.
After several more hours of effort and some frustration, Erin was true to his word (not that I ever doubted him) and with nothing more than a razor knife, two leathermans, a framing hammer, and a socket wrench with a ½ socket he showed us how to install and properly aim the satellite so we could have internet. I was able to See my beautiful wife and our four boys the very next day through the miracle of technology. That alone makes this vacation about a hundred times more bearable. Now if only I didn't have to walk forever to get everywhere. Maybe after work I'll walk around the RLBs looking for abandoned vehicles...
